


The hardest part is letting go

by beentheredonethat



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-06-08
Packaged: 2018-03-19 14:36:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3613620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beentheredonethat/pseuds/beentheredonethat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You're all that I hoped I'd find<br/>In every single way<br/>And everything I could give<br/>Is everything you couldn't take<br/>'Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away<br/>And the hardest part of living<br/>Is just taking breathes to stay"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lips that made me fly

**Author's Note:**

> So... cupcakes!  
> Just imagine the big bright light did not swallow the Dean and this happened instead.

\- So... you're a giant black cat, huh?!

Both of them let out a chuckle mostly because that was the weirdest thing Laura could have said and still neither wanted to say anything else. The minute they opened their mouths the moment would end. They just kept on kissing and touching each other. Carmilla sat back on the bed with Laura pratically glued to her, it didn't look like she was letting go of Carmilla just yet.

\- How are you still alive, Carm? I saw you jumping in that pit. Not even you Mother survived.

\- Speaking of, who took her down after I slew the light? Laura blushed instantly.

\- I threw a rock on her head - she whispered – and she fell. - Carmilla's eyes grew wide at the confession.

\- You killed Mother?

\- It was just a rock.

\- Laura, - Carmilla took Laura's hands and locked their eyes fondly – that was the bravest thing any of us could do. I know all your friends were insane enough to help and I got the damn sword but you, cupcake, you really saved everyone. - Laura was finally speechless. 

\- Cat got your tongue? - she joked and Laura grinned when she understood the reference. She leaned in to end the distance between their bodies. They were halft sitting-half laying down on Laura's bed and Carmilla was almost on top of Laura. Their kisses getting deeper and their bodies hotter.

\- Laura! - LaFontaine, Perry and Danny walked in – Oh, you're busy.

\- God! I hate this place.

\- I just had to tell you this! - Laf plugged her pen drive on Laura's computer and Danny started talking.

\- Apparently those creepy Alchemy club guys decided it'd be a good idea to throw themselves in the pit – using those bungee jumping equipments.

\- How sad they remembered to use those. - Carmilla muttered.

\- And according to these pictures they found a massive treasure down there. - They were all silent for some seconds.

\- And? - Carmilla moved slowly rearranging her body to the bed – It probably belonged to Mother.

\- Shouldn't they leave it there?

-  Yeah, totally, cupcake. It should stay were it is.

\- They already took it our and are now sharing.

\- Is it bad luck to steal from a dead vampire? - Perry squeezed her own hands.

\- It's always bad luck to steal from a supernatural creature. - she stood up and walked towards her bed with Laura's yellow pillow on her hand – But that's none of my bussiness. I'm done with the heroic acts crap.

They all shared a look.

\- Guys, I think Carm is right. The treasure should stay put.

\- Seriously? - Danny waited for an answer.

\- Yeah, Danny, seriously. We just got out of a battle against the woman and now you want to steal from her? We should just rest.

\- Now that's an idea I can get onboard with. - She pushed herself undercovers – You coming, sweetheart?

Laura blushed violently and refused to look to her friends while they were being pushed out of the room by a very quiet Perry.

\- Carm!

\- What, cupcake?

\- You ca-can't do that in front of them!

\- Why not? - she moved to make room for Laura – Should I give you and Clifford some space?

\- What? Danny? No! - Carmilla held her gaze – You were here when I ended things with her, Carm, but you can't – it's just – no, you can't.

\- Okay, cutie, breath now. If it makes you this miserable I won't. Now just shush and, you can't imagine how tired I am.

\- Oh! - Laura hugged Carmilla's body even tighter – I like nap time.

Carmilla chuckled and closed her eyes still feeling the taste of Laura's lips.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

 

Laura woke up to a vampire reading a really old book and sipping from a glass of blood.

\- Why are you up before me? - her voice was muffled by the covers.

\- I woke up just a few hours ago. - Carmilla looked at her and smiled.

\- But why? - Carm chuckled.

\- Got hungry. Apparently my batteries are still a bit down.

\- Hmmm. I'm hungry too.

\- Cocoa? - Laura nodded still half asleep – Okay, cocoa and cereal – Carmilla stood up after giving Laura a playful peck – I can't believe you let me sleep with you without showering.

\- You don't smell.

\- What? Your nostrils are probably congested. I stink. Blackness, blood, well, I smell like a battlefield. Shower after breakfast. - she stated.

\- Ar-are you inviting me? - Laura hid her head harder on the pillow.

\- Not today, cutie. But that's not a bad idea. - They remained silent for a couple of minutes. 

\- Here, short one. Sit up. - Laura yawned.

\- I'm gonna take my shower while you eat.

\- 'kay. - she managed to say with her mouth full of Choco Crunch.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

It was different. Being there, being 'alive', being in such good terms with Laura It felt right. Yes she still had things to clear out, like the treasure crap but honestly? She didn't care all that much about it. There was also a lot Laura had yet to discover and understand about her and even though she would possibly be frightened by some of those stories, the really bad one – her being a vampire and helping her Mother kidnap girls – somehow wasn't an issue. That felt different too. She allowed herself to think of Ell for a moment and it didn't hurt as much as it used to, in spite of that she could feel the taste of betrayal – that she would feel for as long as she lived – but the heartbreak was fading. Laura Hollis. She accepted to sacrifice herself in order to save that annoying girl, the girl who was a target, she made the charm to keep Mother away, punched William (which she was not sure had been for Laura or herself), she went into the library and made cocoa and got the sword and rescued human beings from certain death. Carmilla Karnstein had found someone worth dying for. It took her 334 years but she did it.

\- You had a nightmare. - there was an accusation aftertaste to those words.

She stood perfectly still, water dripping from her hair. \- You kept saying my name. She walked over to her bed and sat down still very still giving Laura a piercing gaze.

\- You're not gonna say anything?

\- Was it the battle?

She took a deep breath and said

\- What is there for me to say? There's no denying, - she pointed to the computer screen showing a paused frame of her terrified face – now, is there?

\- Look at your face here, Carm! What was it?

\- Really, Laura? Can't a vampire have a couple nightmares in peace anymore? It wasn't the first and I'm sure as hell it won't be the last. - she pushed herself until her back was touching the wall – It was nothing I'm not able to handle by myself.

\- Carm, I'm not saying you need help handling, I'm saying I want to know, please! Maybe I can actually help. - If she had held Carmilla's gaze she would have probably melted or turned to stone.

\- Okay so maybe I can't help but I want to know what you're going through. You don't have to deal with it alone, you have me now.

Carmilla closed her eyes for what felt like an eternity, her breath irregular. She hated being confronted, it made her feel like the eighteen year old who got murdered in a ball. Made her feel weak and helpless. She felt a sob stuck on the back of her throat. Good thing vampires don't cry.

\- I couldn't – she opened her eyes but kept them down, looking at her bare feet – save you. There was a lot of blood and your friends were all fine. Mother was dead but so were you. - 

She felt Laura's hand on her knee. - But I am here. - she replied while moving from the chair to sit alongside Carmilla

– You did save me. Remember how you saved me from falling in the pit during the battle? You did that. You saved us all, Carm. You say me killing your Mother was something huge. Anyone could have done what I did but none of us could have replaced you there. No one can ever replace you. - Laura kissed Carmilla's cheek and saw a tiny smirk. She tried it again. And again. And again. And again, getting closer to Carm's mouth each time. She was caught by surprise when Carmilla cupped her face and kissed her. It was a passionate kiss and when Laura backed down from it she lingered on it touching their foreheads and keeping her eyes closed for much longer than it was necessary.

\- I missed you so much. - she whispered and Carmilla smiled.

\- Yeah?

\- Yeah. - she said nodding.

\- When are you leaving? - Carmilla backed away completely.

\- Leaving? - Laura looked utterly confused.

\- When is your father coming to pick you up for Reading Week?

\- Oh, shoot! I had to call him. - she stood up lookin for her cellphone that just refusef to get crashed in any of those adventures – Later today, I guess...? He's probably on his away here.

Carmilla sighed and spread herself completely on the bed.

\- There's no way I could convince you to come, right?

\- To meet your father and play human? Nah, I'll pass.

\- Hmpf. - Laura sat on her bed – I really want to see my dad, Carm.

\- Am I telling you not to go? - she kept her eyes closed – I am simply saying I am not going to give up a perfectly good stash of blood and countless hours of sleep to play friends with you and your father. Plus, the Alchemy club morons will probably need help when Mother's curse start ripping off their heads.

\- What?! - Laura stood up in one go – What curse? You said nothing about a curse.

\- Oh, I didn't, did I? 

\- Carmilla! Stop playing games and just tell me already. 

\- Mother cursed basically everything she owned so possible thieves wouldn't succed for long. - Laura paced while she spoke.

\- What kind of curse? - she was writing a text.

\- Did you not hear the ripping their heads off part?

\- What are we going to do, Carm?

\- Laura!!? - Danny walked in, stake in hand to which Carmilla laughed harshly and covered her head with a book. - I got a message saying “Come to my room. Possible heads being ripped off.”

\- Oh, it's not that. It's not her, Danny. It's the treasure thing, supposedly Carmilla's Mother - the last one sounded like a difficult word to say – cursed it and the side effects of stealing it have something to do with rippiing heads off.

\- Not supposedly, cupcake. It will happen.

\- No, no, no, no. No. No more battles against things that don't even exist, no more visits to the library when it's obviously haunted. No more crazyness.

\- How do we stop it? - Laura patted Carmilla's leg.

\- Putting it back for starters. Then you can just tell those insipid little scondrels to stop being so nosy. - Laura turned to her friends clearly trting to ignore Carmilla.

\- What do we do now?

\- Talk to the little creepers? - Danny tried.

\- On it. - LaF left the dorm followed by Perry and Danny.

\- Why do you always have to act like that?

\- Like what? - even her voice was bored.

\- Like you don't care.

\- Perhaps because I don't. I cared about you, Laura and that almost got me killed, this time your head is not on the line of fire so I don't care anymore. - Laura just huffed in response. - Look, cutie. Just go on with your plans.

\- But people are going to die.

\- Nah, they'll be fine.

\- Are you going to stop the curse?

\- What? - she lifted her upper body – Of course not! I love a little decaptation show but I can put them back together later.

\- You'll be Doctor Carmilla Frankenstein?

\- Really? Urgh, such bad jokes all the time, but sure. Why not? - she closed her eyes again.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

\- Argh, what is all this fuss about? I just saved all your asses, mind if I rest a little?

\- Oh, sorry! We didn't mean to wake you, just getting ready for the party. - Carmilla's eyes shot open.

\- What party?

\- Aren't you a popular girl? Don't you get a lot of invitations? How come you don't know about this one? - Danny started but Laura put a hand on the air stopping her.

\- I have been a little busy lately, you know, saving lives.

\- Carm, you have been sleeping for like 17 hours and the Zetas are throwing this party to celebrate the fact that we're still alive.

\- And you were just gonna let me sleep all the way through it?

\- I didn't want to disturb you but now you can come since you're awake an-

\- Don't sweat it, cutie. I have better things to do than accept your pity invitation to a frat party.

\- Oh, come on, Carm, please? - Laura saying please like that wasn't something easy to ignore, almost felt like she really wanted Carmilla by her side.

Almost.

\- No, thanks. See you later, sweetheart. - Carmilla stood up, grabbed a can of grape soda and left the room without so much as a glance.

\- Shit!

\- Laura, please, let's just go. She'll be fine and I am pretty sure she's not going to eat anyone.

\- Yeah, because that's exactly what Laura is worried about, Danny. - LaF said and let out a chuckle.

\- Are you two a thing now? - Danny said the words in a very slow motion – Like for real?

\- Yeah, I mean no, - she cleared her throat – we kissed and slept together bu-

\- You slept together?!!

\- Yeah, Danny, like in the same bed but we haven't really talked about anything.

All of them looked at Laura, looked like they were expecting her to say something or suddenly decide to stay and wait for Carmilla but what good would that do? She could stay and be miserable then have a fight which would just led to more sadness and probably some tears – or she could go to the party and have fun with her friends leaving all the fight and sadness for later. Answer was pretty obvious. She turned off the lights and closed the door convincing herself that was the right thing to do. It was hard though, having Carmilla walk out on ther hadn't been exactly the highest moment of her week but what was she supposed to say? What was she supposed to do? Stay, call Carmilla and go back to bed with her? Kiss and cuddle and

– Oh, fuck!

She ended up understanding she should have stayed and then it was too late, Danny was reaching for her hand and pulling her towards the elastic bed.

She jumped.

There was a lot of fog and loud music and Laura was genuinely having fun, Danny was being really thoughtful, getting drinks and making jokes. She just let her mind wander and get lost in a place where there were no vampires, no curses, no dangers and no Carmilla. There was only Danny and her laughter and the fun. She looked at the redheaded and saw nothing but an amazing person who happened to be one of her best friends and one of the brave people who had risked their lives to save Laura and LaF and Kirsh and Natalie and Betty and everyone else. She really was a kind of modern Xena. Suddenly she wasn't on the bed anymore but the world kept jumping up and down.

\- Where's Danny? - nobody paid attention to her.

The Summer Society girls were fighting the Zetas for the tequila bottles, it was fun to see that, her eyes wandered around trying to find a familiar face or a place to sit, in a fraction of a second her world stopped jumping and spinning and she couldn't breath. Her mouth went dry, her eyes wattered, she could swear her face was on fire then she was falling and everything went black.

 

\- How could you? - it was Danny' voice.

\- I am not the one who left her by herself after making her into a walking vodka bottle. What were you thinking, Danny? She was alone and drunk, anything could have happened! - Carmilla's voice escallated from utterly bored to totally angry in a matter of words.

\- I was not the one kissing a Bio Major in front of the girl who clearly likes me. - Danny was losing it.

\- So – Laura's voice was weak – it was not a nightmare?

Carmilla cleared her throat and got closer to where Laura was laying down - What was not a nightmare, cupcake? 

\- You really kissed someone. - it was not a question.

\- I did not. - Carmilla lowered her eyes to the floor so she couldn't see the trace of a smile on Laura's face – I was going to but I realized I didn't want that kiss.

\- Oh, really?! More soppy stories?!

\- Xena, we don't need your braveness. You already failed saving the girl now go home and cry over it.

There was a snarky response ready to come out of Danny's lips but Laura was faster.

\- It's okay, Danny. Thanks for taking me to the party, I had a lot of fun.

\- Up until the time you were left alone and drunk. - Carm couldn't let it go.

\- See you later? - Sure. Carmilla sat back on her bed trying not to look at Laura simply because she wouldn't, couldn't erase the knowledge that it really was her fault, Laura fell down and hit her head on a rock after seeing her too close to another girl. How could it not be her fault?

\- What exactly happened?

\- Red troll left you alone and you fell.

\- But I saw you.

\- Yes. 

\- And you were...

\- No.

\- So close.

\- I was pissed off at you. And I saw you get there but you were so happy.

\- You say it like it is a bad thing.

\- No, I'm glad you were happy. - Carmilla stood up and walked over to the sink.

\- But I- you- It wasn't with you.

\- Don't get me wrong, cutie. I am not against you having friends and going out with them but I just expected a call or a message. Well, something. I got back here and you were gone, then I went there to try and talk – Laura frowned – but you obviously weren't even shaken.

Laura was speechless. It was the first time Carmilla said so much about her feelings or about anything really.

\- I know. I'm just being ridiculous. - she paced talking mostly to herself - I've never been good on that feelings thing.

\- Carm, come here. - she scootched over making room on the bed – I wanted to go and celebrate and I knew you had to rest. I didn't think you would react like that, so – she looked around the room searching for the word – so jealous. When we got there I thought of coming back but Danny started giving me all these drinks and I was having fun.

\- Look, I already sai-

\- No, let me finish. If we are going to do this – she pointed at both of them – we have to discuss stuff. Walking out and vanishing are not things we will do.

Carmilla did her best to sound uninterested when she said – Whatever you say, cupcake. Whatever you say.


	2. Upside down

Laura woke up to a horrendous scream, she jumped to Carmilla's bed but couldn't feel her body under the covers, she turned on the closest light.  
\- Sorry to wake you.  
\- What was it?  
\- Nothing really special. - Carm was by the window playing with a lighter.  
\- You never screamed before, Carm.  
\- Never dreamt I was the one killing you before.  
Laura's breath hitched and she was fast to wrap her arms around Carmilla's waist running her fingers through her hair.  
A month. That's all they had needed to be this close and none of them would have done it differently. Carmilla, at first, wanted to take her time to really believe Laura wasn't just about to flee or hand her to another ambush, it was hard to trust, hell, it was impossible but she tried, she had to. She was still trying, trying hard to stay and show Laura everything she could before things got too intense.  
That's why one day she got to their room and started talking about her life before Ell, when she really acted like a monster on her Mother's behalf, when she was just another blood thirsty beast. She talked for almost one hour and Laura never interrupted her and didn't ask questions. They held each other until morning broke and Laura couldn't stand another awaken minute. After that day it was just natural they'd get closer and closer.  
Laura loved the nights when Carmilla went out to eat (she tried to ignore that part) simply because she would get back in the middle of the night, her body cold, her breathing still uneven and sneak up against Laura's body kissing whatever part of skin she could find. Neither of them had nightmares in those nights.

\- I have to go out.  
\- Carm, it's like 4 a.m. - they had just had sex for the first time in two weeks.  
\- I know. Monsters should be out playing.  
\- You're not a monster.  
She got up brushing Laura's arms – Monsters are beings who kill in order to stay alive, who feel no pity or regret upon ending lives.  
Laura had no answer.  
\- I'll be back before your class. - she didn't kiss Laura on her way out.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

\- She said she'd be back before my class just like the other times!  
\- Think she's done something bad like offing Danny or stupid like running away?  
\- No. Not a chance. - Laura shook her head as to push that thought away – And I am sure she's okay but I just can't help but worry  
\- She will be back soon – Laura smiled – and without a body count. - she added. - Wanna try her phone again?  
\- No, I think I'm gonna call Danny, ask if she's seen anything.  
\- Dead. - Laura shot up to the sound of her voice – My phone, not a person.  
\- Carm! Where have you been? I was all kinds of worried.  
\- I told you I'd be out.  
\- But you also told me you'd be back before my class.  
\- Look, cutie, my phone died and I don't really wear a watch so I'm oh so sorry for missing our appointment.  
\- Wha-? No, - Laura was beyond confused – that's not what I mean. I was just worried. Do you want to talk about what made you take so long?  
\- No. - she stood up from her bed and went straight to the bathroom.  
Laura only started talking when she heard the shower running.  
\- Something's really wrong, LaF.  
\- You think? The girl didn't even mock my new doughnuts t-shirt.  
\- That belongs to Perry. We definitely gotta talk about that later. - LaFontaine blushed and looked away - But I mean it, she won't even talk to me anymore, it's like we're right back to where we started. We are not even sleeping on the same bed, I mean, when she is actually here to sleep.  
\- Force her to talk. Girl the hell up, remember? Now, I'm gonna go and give you guys space or something.  
\- Yeah, we'll catch up later.

\- LaF left and Laura fell back on Carm's bed. She'd make a dialog happen even if it was the last thing she did during her life.  
\- I am not going to tell you anything.  
\- Why not?  
Carmilla rolled her eyes and went straight to Laura's bed.  
\- Can't you at least lay here with me?  
\- Not now. - she rolled to her side leaving her back to face Laura.  
\- We really need to talk.  
\- No, we don't.  
Laura thought about a lot of things she could say to break Carmilla's balance or even make her talk but she didn't want to hurt Carm even more, just let her know she really was there in case she needed.  
\- What are we to each other? - it slipped from her tongue before she could thik about it.  
After about two minutes of silence she gave up, sat on her chair and decided the best thing was to leave Carmilla to sleep on it.  
\- I am not good with feelings. And I am a monster. I come from the thing hiding in the shadows since men could speak. There are some things I cannot and will not share with anyone. Not even you.  
\- Why can't you just be here with me? You don't have to talk but I'm leaving tomorrow and it's been so long sinc-  
\- I need to be alone, Laura. Can't you understand that? - Carmilla's voice came out cracked.  
She saw her best option was to simply stay quiet. She knew things with Carmilla would never be easy but not being able to touch her and comfort her was just ridiculous so she made another bold choice.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

\- Why did you need us here so early, Laura?  
Carmilla looked up from the book she pretended to read.  
\- Because she's having trust issues about the vampire here and she needs you to keep her safe.  
\- What the hell did you do? - Danny was by Carmilla's bed in half a second.  
\- It wasn't her.  
All eyes but Carm's were on Laura.  
\- Can I tell them? - Laura asked weakly.  
\- You will anyway, won't you?  
\- They're my friends!  
\- I was sleeping and Freddy there thought it'd be a good idea to crawl up behind me even though I said it wasn't advisable. I woke up and pushed her away.  
Laura pulled her T-shirt to show already purple bruises.  
\- You hit her, leech!?!  
Carmilla didn't even look up when she threw the backpack on her shoulder and went for the door, shoving Danny out of the way.  
\- Don't wait.  
Laura was speechless.  
\- What the hell? - LaFontaine closed the door and stood by Perry's side  
\- I-I didn't know what else to do to get closer to her.  
\- Did she really tell you not to lay with her? - Perry finally opened her mouth.  
\- Yeah, kinda. She showed the idea.  
Danny, who had been pacing, stopped and faced Laura, her expression of pure disbelief  
\- She is bad news, we all know that. And I still don't like this thing you two are doing but Laura, come on!, you've been saying she's all weird and she tells you not to invade her space but then what's the first thing you do? Yeah, I'm leaving.  
\- No, please. Can't you stay? I know I shouldn't have done it but now it's done and I really need you guys. - her eyes watered – I just wish she could act like a goddanm human being.  
\- Oh, but dear, she's not really a human being anymore.  
Danny sat on Laura's bed and held the girl tightly, Perry and LaF left soon after she stopped crying so hard.  
\- Don't you have a class to get to? - her voice was still pretty weak  
\- No way I'm leaving you here like this. Let's just stay in and maybe watch something, okay? - the girl on her arms nodded.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

She had to go back at some point, she knew it, but the idea of facing Laura after doing something so horrible was too much. There were about 5 unopened text messages on her cell phone all from LaFontaine, she had that habit of sending updates everytime she had to go away for some time, the only problem is that she already knew the content of those messages. Laura was all better and Danny was taking care of her.  
And that's exactly what she saw when she entered the dorm room when the next morning broke.  
Danny had her arm under Laura's head and Laura, oh, Laura was hugging Danny's waist, it was a peaceful sleep. It was what Laura needed and she was ready to leave again maybe for good when she heard a muffled noise and just had to look at them once again.  
\- Carm! - Laura let go of Danny and jumped out of bed  
\- Don't worry, cupcake, I was just leaving, came by to pick up my stuff.  
\- What? What do you mean 'leaving'? You can't leave! - Danny was wide awake but decided to remain quiet – We barely started this and you're already bailing on me! You can't. I'm not letting you do that.  
\- Bailing? Is that what you call when someone needs some time alone because their past is terrible and painful and the other person is just not able to respect it and on top of it, sleeps with someone else? Then, yes, I am bailing.  
Laura held Carmilla's arms and forced the girl to look at her.  
\- I want to be with you. I want to try it with you. But you have to stay and talk to me, I promise I will not ignore your warnings but you can't leave. No one leaves.  
Danny stood up quickly and left without putting on her shoes or looking back. Laura sighed and fell back on the bed.  
Carmilla threw herself on her back and grabbed a book pretending to be interested  
\- She loves you. - she hid her face with the book  
\- What?  
\- She loves you. She'll come around.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

They all had almost empty bottles in hand but were nowhere close to being drunk, Laura should've known this gathering wasn't exactly going to involve her but she so wanted to be there. She had to finish packing for Reading Week – her dad would not accept putting it off once more – but also wanted to know Carm's friends.  
\- … then Carmilla appeared out of nowhere and went for the guy's neck before he could even see her!  
\- Well, you'd be very much dead if I hadn't.  
\- You just ended him completely  
Carmilla was rolling her eyes and trying to act all cool about these stories.  
\- There was this one time in Venice – the younger almost shouted and the others agreed without even hearing the rest  
\- Oh, no. Not that again. - she finished her bottle  
\- Laura, - the tall one sat really close – it was a blood bath.  
\- It wasn't like that at all.  
\- Sixteen bodies at her feet – the last one who was wearing too much eyeliner added – even I was impressed.  
Laura frowned in confusion.  
\- He's really old. - she offered Laura a hand to stand up  
\- You've always loved them, huh  
\- You forget we were them once – her hand was on the small of Laura's back – I think it's time we go home.  
They said meaningless goodbyes and walked away.  
\- So... what's the story there?  
\- There's no story.  
\- How did you meet them?  
\- The way people meet, cupcake, I was introduced to them by Mother and she warned me to stay away but as you can see I didn't.  
\- Why?  
\- They never accepted her leadership  
\- But in that case shouldn't they, you know  
\- Be dead? - Laura nodded in agreement  
\- They are old and they don't create problems.  
Carmilla walked tracing lazy patterns on Laura's back  
\- And what happened in Venice?  
\- Laura. - her tone was a warning  
\- Just tell me  
\- You know what happened. What do you want me to say? That I lost control? That they were going to kill me? What?  
\- So you just murdered 16 men?  
\- I killed 16 vampires who tried to overthrow Maman, yes.  
That night they slept on different beds.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

_\- It appears to be the right thing to do, cupcake. _  
__ She heard the door and before looking cursed herself for getting Laura's habit of never locking it. _ _  
_Maybe he realizes you're a bit different? _-____ she stopped talking, shook her head and held her hand up high so the red trio wold wait _ _ _ _– _No, I don't mean he knows about me, I mean he sees you've changed. As if you're not his little girl anymore _. -______ another pause – _ _ _ _ _ __No, I don't think so. You should still try, can't hurt either of you. Yeah, you're right about that. Look, LaF is here and it looks like something important happened so I'll call you later, okay? _  
________ \- So... - LaF raised her eyebrow – it's official now?  
\- What? - Carmilla grabbed a book  
\- Hollstein.  
She laughed and said with a grin – When was it not?  
LaFontaine let out a chuckle and started explaining what she had found out which made them both miss the pained look on Danny's

\- You and your idiot friends told me that was the last of it and now it's my job – again – to run like a dimwitt after the remaining artfacts? - Carmilla didn't even bother sitting up  
\- You are fast and we kinda need you because according to my sources, the objects are still in the pit. - LaFontaine didn't falter - We do need you.  
\- Yeah, say it like you mean it, red.  
\- She means it, Carm.  
\- Oh, now I believe you, Control Freak vauche for you.  
\- Stop being a bitch and get up, dead girl. We'll cover the Alchemy Building while Perry and LaF can ask around or something.  
\- I am totally cool with that plan. - LaF pulled Perry out of the room by the hand.  
Carmilla's cell phone vibrated.

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________**What's new? - 15:42** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________******Off to investigate with giant red troll. - 15:43** ** ** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________**********Carm, seriously, she does have a name. - 15:52** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________**************Okay. - 16:00 **  
**What did you do today? - 16:00****** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________**********************Just hang out with dad. Still pretty sad you wouldn't come :( - 16:02** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________**************************Buttercup, he wouldn't even let you text me. - 16:03 **  
**But let us enjoy this freedom moment, what are you going to do with the rest of your day? - 16:03****** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________********************************Carmilla finally stood up and picked up the red fannel taking extra time to straighten up the sleeves and checking her cell every 15 seconds.  
\- Seriously? I'm leaving.** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________**********************************I'm going to meet some friends from high school later and after that it's just hitting the books. - 16:07** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________**************************************You are possibly the only person who opens a book during Reading Week. - 16:15** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________******************************************I am going to ignore that and ask how you and Danny solved the treasure issue. - 16:16** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

\- Aren't you supposed to be a runner?  
\- Not even I can compete with legs that long, Sasquatch.  
Danny rolled her eyes and walked faster.

________**********************************************I used light persuasion whilst she chose brute force, as always. But we haven't quite fixed it, LaF found out they hid some objects, we're going after them right now. - 16:20** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________**************************************************Why don't you just blow the whole Lustig? - 16:22** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________******************************************************That's what the puppy suggested however I believe the items are probably with the weirdoes. - 16:25** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________**********************************************************So you're going to the Alchemy building? - 16:26** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________**************************************************************Just got here. - 16:26** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

They walked in silence for some halls but then Danny yelled and jumped on a guy.  
\- Shit. - Carmilla rolled her eyes and watched as the fight unravelled, when Danny was on top of the guy she asked – Need a hand?  
\- A little too late for that. - she stood up holding the guy – I'm going to take him to the Summer Society and you look around. Be back as soon as he's tied to a chair.  
\- Yeah, Commander.

________******************************************************************Danny jumped a guy and now I'm alone to look aroung and find something so I'll talk to you as soon as this madness ends, okay? - 16:52** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________**********************************************************************I'll be waiting. - 16:53** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Carmilla walked around for a while but then she realised she'd be able to talk to Laura sooner if she actually completed her part fast. She was by the last room on the second floor when she heard a loud thump and a muffled scream. She didn't even run to get to the staircase, no little boy was worth that.  
\- Oh, crap! - she got to the first floor in a second and got down on her knees trying to check for injuries without really moving the body sprawled on the floor. There was no blood.  
\- I think we got her – a whisper from a room next to the library  
\- Did we kill her?  
\- Let's check before the other one comes down.  
Carmilla hid so fast no even one of her own would've seen  
\- Oh, damn! What are we gonna do with the body?  
\- Leave it. I'll come back for her when I'm done with you two. - her voice wasn't simply low an raspy but gutural as if there was a monster trying to force its way out.  
The boys ran, she even gave them some time before following after all, she enjoyed a chase just as much as the next vampire. Catching guys like that wasn't hard at all so she played with them, scaring and pretending to catch them just to let them go but then Danny's body suddenly appeared on her mind and she could not waste another minute. She took them to the Summer Society building and went back for Danny, who, for her despair was still unconscious on the floor.

________************************************************************************\---------------------------------------------------------------------** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

 

The impossible was calling Laura to say one of her friends was probably in a coma. She did it anyway and was on her way to pick Laura up in less than 10 minutes leaving, Danny with Perry and LaFontaine.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

\- Okay, just tell me again what happened. - Laura was almost on top of Danny maybe trying to get her to wake up.  
\- She hit her head.  
\- How, Carmilla?!  
\- I wasn't with her when it happened. I was on the second floor and I just heard the noise and found her on the floor.  
\- How long ago?  
\- Three hours maybe.  
\- We are taking her to a hospital. Now.  
\- Have you any idea of how far the nearest hospital is? Just call LaFontaine back here  
\- Hospital, Carm. Help me carry her.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

They barely looked at each other on the way to the hospital, Carmilla drove the rental she got to pick Laura up at her Dad's but then they were at the hospital and LaFontaine and Perry were gonna need some hours to get there and they were all they had.  
\- You just left her there.. - Laura started but she had no strength to go on  
\- If I had let those boys walk away her fall would have been for nothing. She wouldn't want that.  
\- Oh, as if you knew what Danny would have wanted!  
\- I don't. But you do and you know I happen to be right.  
Laura knew it to be true, Danny would be crazy mad if the little weasels had gotten away.  
\- If she doesn't wake up...  
Carmilla stood up mostly because she knew nothing she could say would change Laura's mind or make her feel any better. Only Danny waking up would make it go away, in the meanwhile Laura wouldn't even look at her and it was driving her totally crazy.  
To be the one at fault was not new neither was it to be the one hurting Laura but to not be able to do anyhing about was killing her.  
\- Have you called Perry and LaF? - she sat down once more  
Laura was crying lightly but ininterruptedly.  
\- They texted. 15 minutes.  
\- Look...  
\- Why didn't you just bring her in ealier? You waited! You put her on my bed and you just waited!  
\- I thought she was going to wake up, Laura, how could I know  
\- Exactly! You didn't know! God, if she doesn't – she started sobing loud  
\- Cupcake, she'll be fine. Let's just wait.  
\- The doctors?  
\- Will come when they can.  
Carmilla held Laura tightly and rocked her slowly, it was soft and sweet, her sobs became weak and her heart beat came down. By the time LaF and Perry arrived Carmilla was calmly running her hand up and down Laura's arm. They all sat there waiting for something, anything to make Laura stop fighting the urge to get away from Carmilla's arms and start screaming or maybe give in to it. It took her close to one hour to actually react somehow.  
\- I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, CARMILLA.  
Carmilla took a deep breath and stood up following Laura's queue.  
\- YOU LEFT HER THERE AND THEN YOU ACTED AS A HALF DECENT PERSON AND WENT BACK FOR HER BUT YOU, INSTEAD OF KEEPING THE ACT, DECIDED TO PUT HER ON A DORM ROOM BED AND READ SOME STUPID PHYLOSOPHY BOOK.  
\- I did what I though I should, Laura.  
\- YOU DID WHAT WAS LESS BOTHERSOME.  
\- Hello, are you here with Danny Lawrence? - Perry nodded and got closer – I'm doctor Kruegger. We took execellent care of her, - he shook his head and gave Carmilla a judging look - it would have been incredibly best if she had been taken here sooner but she was very lucky whatsoever and shows no internal damage. According to what you – he pointed at Carmilla – said, she should have some kind of bleeding or organ damage and we are still waiting on minor test results but she is completely out of danger right now.  
Laura fell into Carmilla's arms still crying.  
\- You can see her now if you want. - doctor Kruegger smiled briefly and walked away.  
\- She'll be fine, cupcake, you hear that? She's okay. Now, - she rose Laura's face – let's stop crying and go see her.  
They went up to her room and in a second Laura was basically on top of Danny hugging her and crying again.  
\- Don't you dare scare me like that ever again!  
\- Hey... - her voice was groggy and hoarse but she managed to smile a bit.  
\- The doctor said you're okay, I mean, he didn't actually say why you wouldn't wake up but you're okay now, okay? You're okay and everything's gonna be fine.  
Danny nodded her head and looked around the room, smile fading.  
\- Carmilla? - she asked with some difficulty.  
-She's right.. - Laura looked around as well but Carm was nowhere to be seem. LaFontaine gave her a look and she decided to change the subject.  
She stayed by Danny's bed for as long she could stand, she was hungry as hell but just knowing Danny would be fine was great comfort.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

 

\- So...?  
A nurse told them it would be best to let Danny rest for the night.  
\- She said she was hungry.  
Laura agreed with her head and sat down letting out a huff  
\- I'm going to stay here but you guys can go on.  
She watched as Perry and LaFontaine walked towards the cafeteria but she wasn't really seeing them, she was reliving her conversation with Danny instead. Maybe she had overreacted earlier, maybe not but she had gotten further away from a rational girlfriend like line of thought, the idea that Carmilla had left Danny on the floor and later on her bed for so long just to get back at her for, well, existing and liking Laura had actually been on her mind more than she cared to admit and she knew Carmilla would never do something as such.

_________\- Are you tired? - Laura had been softly stroking Danny's hair for the past hour or so. _  
_\- Yeah – her voice was still pretty hard _  
_\- Your body probably shut down to avoid any major damage. _  
_\- Is she okay? _  
_-Carmilla? - Danny nodded in agreement – She's fine. _  
_\- Did she catch the Alchemy guys who did this to me? _  
_\- Laura started panicking. Should she tell the truth? _  
_-Yeah, she did. They're with the Summer Society. _  
_\- Good. I can't wait to put my hands on them. _  
_\- Danny... - she started – there's something I think you should know. About Carm. And today. - Danny was looking at her – She didn't really see them dropping the bookcase on you but she didn't really help you either. She decided that catching them was more important so she kind of left you on the floor for some time and then some more on my bed while she waited to see if you'd wake up on your own. _  
_\- Sooo... She caught them and saved me? _  
_Laura looked at her in disbelief. _  
_\- Yeah, she waited some precious time before actually saving me but she did it anyway, didn't she? - Danny propped herself on the bed – You don't think she waited on purpose, do you? _  
_\- She would never. - her voice never faltering.___________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

 

LaF and Perry were back almost one hour later, discussing about how healthy hospital food could really be.  
\- Now you guys tell me what to do. - Laura interrupted them without hesitating.  
Both of them looked blankly at her. - What are you talking about?  
\- Carmilla! She was obvously negligent but she didn't do it on purpose and now I don't know what to do  
\- Ahn.. did you by any chance try talking to her?  
\- Communication is really important, Laura, you won't know the truth unless you let her explain it to you.  
\- You guys are probably right. - she picked up her phone but there were no messages or missed calls, Carmilla wasn't going to reach out.  
\- We're not going to leave you here all by yourself until God knows when  
\- But, Perr, I have tons of things to do and She can always call Carmilla and you! Oh , you have to break in that room and clean everything before the three little pigs come back.  
\- Oh, they are so messy, I wonder how human beings can be that messy  
\- Have you met my roommate? - Laura said giggling but then she remembered her roommate was now her girlfriend and they were on the verge of a serious talk – You guys just go, okay? - she said looking at her phone – I'll call when they clear her.

________************************************************************************____________________________**Where are you? Can you come back here? We need to talk. - 22:27** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Laura went to the cafeteria and bought herself some cookies and hot chocolate and just sat there for what felt an eternity before feeling a light touch to her shoulder.  
\- Have you eaten?  
Carmilla's brow furrowed – No... but you can relax. I'm not going to eat you.  
\- Carm, just – she rubbed her forehead – don't, okay? Can you please tell me what happened at the Alchemy Club builiding.  
She rolled her eyes but did as instructed, she told Laura all about their visit to the building and how she left Danny there so the so-called visit wouldn't be in vain and how she really thought the giant ginger would eventually wake up but she didn't and she got really worried and called Laura.  
\- When someone's hurt and unconscious, you drive them to the hospital! That's what people do, Carm.  
\- See, when you say 'people' – she put her feet on a chair – you mean human, caring, warm.  
\- Carm...  
\- Laura. I will never going to adapt to that, yes, next time I will drive the injured to a hospital without thinking twice but my mind doesn't really work on that frequency. It's just not who I am, it's not what we do as vampires and it's most certaninly not what we did back in 1698, we bled people, we called sorcerers or doctors who would prescribe bed rest, teas or walks along rivers. That's my experience.  
\- So next time you call me right away!  
Carmilla stared at Laura for a few seconds as if she was trying to find something  
\- Okay. Call me when you guys can go and I'll come pick you up, right?  
\- What? - she almost yelled – I mean, you aren't staying?  
\- Oh, no – she had that hateful grin playing on her lips – I wouldn't want to get on the way, you know, you two probably have a lot of catching up to do  
Laura took a deep breath and got ready to answer but realized she was just too tired  
\- Carm – she started and held her girlfriend by the wrist. - Stay. Let's go up to Danny's room. She's asleep and I think we deserve some rest too.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Danny got better pretty quickly and she was not mad at all, if anything she agreed with Carmilla, Laura was the only one who couldn't understand, she couldn't understand how everyone eneded up being okay with the fact that Carmilla had left a friend behind, even if she was not her friend, it was someone important anyhow.  
They also solved the treasure thing pretty quickly, throwing all of the items in the pit and blowing the entrance – LaFontaine style – did the trick. The school was still quite weird but some things never change right?


	3. Remains

Laura liked the idea of snowballs, the perfect round shaped snow. White and light. She actually used to spend several winter hours outside making snowballs but then she stopped. Tests and projects and deadlines were taking a lot of her time, probably. But the truth was that the snowball her relationship had become was too much of an irony, Carm was perfect, right? She was, before. Before her friends, before when they had big problems to solve.

–         They're back, Carm. And I really need to get some sleep. - Laura rolled on her side.

–          I know, cupcake, you have a test tomorrow. Come here – she opened her arms – I'll talk to them, okay? Now, you sleep and I'll be back as soon as I possibly can.

–          I know that means by sunrise.

Carm stopped herself before getting out of bed and hugged Laura again.

–          Laura. Do you not want them around? Is that it?

–          I just – Laura released herself from Carmilla's embrace – I don't see how they can be good company for you.

–          What? You don't see how a group of non-violent vampires can be good for me?!

–          It's... They're so... I mean...

–           They're monsters. The creatures that you fear when darkness comes. But ,cutie, I am one of them and I feel good knowing they're around, knowing they'll understand my cravings and thoughts. Knowing I can talk about things no one else here is even aware of.

Laura didn't really like the idea of always having them around but she agreed anyway, because even thought she had no clue as to what being lonely felt like she knew that's how Carmilla felt, that's what she had been feeling every single day for the past 300 years or so and Laura would not take that away from her because of petty jealous.

Or maybe she would.

 

\-------------------------------------------------- 

 

–          I know you really like her and she's like you're other half but if you're not happy then it's not worth it, Hollis.

–          I see you point and I understand your concern but why can't I just live like this?

–          You mean unhappy? - Danny asked warily.

–          Uuurggh. She's all I've ever wanted but it just feels wrong right now.

Laura felt even saying it was wrong and like a betrayal but it was the truth. She hadn't seen her girlfriend in almost 3 days, she was always with her friends during the night and only got back after Laura went to class. Laura was having a really rough week and had to stay in the library until almost 10 and then Carmilla was already gone. No notes, no more stealing her cookies or leaving clothes all over the floor. It was pretty much like living alone.

 

 ---------------------------------------------------------

  

–          Every night! It's not sometimes now, it's every night! We don't sleep together anymore. - Laura was sitting on her chair – I miss you, Carm!

–          I just don't understand why I have to fit your schedule. - Carmilla seemed totally unaware of Laura's uneasiness.

–          Because I am trying to build a future here! My friends are too and you're

–          Stuck

–          Why do you always do that? - she stood up mimmicking Carmilla

–          Because I always know what you're really thinking but are too afraid to actually say – she stopped by the sink and held its edges -  know this is not about my friends but you cannot change what I am, Laura, that's the only certainty we have.

–          What about our love?

–          I am certain of my love for you. I am certain it will never grow weak, die or be forgotten.

Laura ran to embrace Carmilla's waist.

–          I do miss you in bed.

–          I will stay with you tonight.

 

 ------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Carmilla knew Laura had been feeling lonely and she was at fault so she decided to stay in for a couple of days to try and compensate for her absence but then Laura was never there and when she was Danny was with her. As a vampire she still lived during nights but she was really trying her best to be around whenever she knew Laura would be too.

 

**Clifford is waiting for you here, she said something about a Lit paper. Are you going to be long? - 17:05**

–          What do you mean?

Danny had been waiting for Laura for the past twenty minutes and there was no sign of her, Carmilla had her usual bored-out-of-her-skull look going on and Danny was feeling talkative. She realized only after a couple minutes that starting a conversation with a 300-year-old vampire about love was never the best way to go.

 

**Nope. Tell her I'll be there really soon. - 17:27**

–          I mean that the idea of soulmates is very beautiful but the forever it constantly gets in books, movies, songs – in your media – is not real. Soulmates don't always get to be together, if we're stating the truth here, they usually don't. Wrong timing, wrong countries, wrong continents, wrong interests, wrong night clubs, wrong favorite book store, there's a huge list of wrongs regarding love and a very small list of rights. And on the wrong list there's something you could even call a self-destruction button because in order to find not only love but something that lasts forever one may even change personality traits but by doing that one is simply becoming less appealing for love lays on truthness and honesty.

–          And you think people are destroyed without true love?

–          No. - Carmilla answered calmly – They are destroyed if they can't believe what they have to be real. As I said, people usually don't get that but if they believe they do then it's perfectly okay to carry on.

Danny just sat there for some minutes letting that theory sink in. Maybe it was true and maybe it was not – Carmilla was a philosophy major after all, truth wasn't something she believed in – but if she was to believe maybe it was okay not to be with the one she loved. Maybe love wasn't for her, maybe it wasn't ready, maybe love already had someone.

Maybe love needed time.

 

 -----------------------------------------------------

 

Laura showed up in LaF's lab two weeks after Carmilla kind of gave up on waiting for Laura to be free for her and went back to her own life.

–          It's hard to explain what really happened but I think the most important part is that we're no longer a couple.

–          What?! - LaFontaine shouted almost dropping a vial – You can't just break up with her like that. Didn't you say you were both trying?

–          Yeah, but she got tired of patiently waiting for me to be done with my projects and tests. - she sighed – We had a big fight and she left, nevertheless it was not a rushed decision, LaF, I really thought a lot about it and I simply cannot keep on doing that to myself. She's never there, she never wants to be there and when I can convince her to do something together she keeps on texting someone. I love her, I really do, but I can't.

–          Laura, let me just ask you one thing before slapping you in the face. Did you talk to Danny before deciding?

–          Yes. And she thinks I'm doing the right thing.

LaFontaine sighed and sat across from Laura

–          And what is Carmilla going to do? Where is she going to live?

–          I-I don't know! But she's a tthree-hundred-year-old vampire I'm sure she'll figure it out.

They heard a knock on the door and it usually meant either Carmilla or someone looking for Perry to solve a floor problem.

–          Hey, I don't know if Laura has already talked to you – she opened the door before LaF could but stood by the frame looking down – but she  - she hesitated – she broke up with me and I think it's best if I move out when she's not around. - She finally faced LaFontaine who gasped lightly seeing her red wet eyes.

–          You're already moving?

–          Yeah. Just tell her I'll come back for my books when I find a place.

–          Carm, just talk to her, I'm sure you two can figure it out.

–          Why don't you talk to her? And while you're on it , ask her about all the shit she told me before actually breaking things up. - she turned around

–          Wait! Where are you going? When are you coming back?

–          Can't say. Don't know.

And she left without looking back. Without knowing that Laura was there and that she had listened to how cracked her voice was. She left without putting up a fight.

 

–          You think she's coming back? - Laura's voice was weak and low

–          Well, she'll come back for her books.

–          LaF!

–          You sent her away, Laura, you did that. - she sat down again – How was that fight? What did you say to her?

Laura started playing with a rubber LaF had left on the counter.

–          It was a break up, LaF, you know how break ups go

–          What – did – you – say?

–          I said we weren't working because she's never there.

–          Which she probably said she can change and wished you had said something sooner. What else?

–          That I really don't like her friends.

–          She hates your friends.

–          And that we can't be together because I feel  like she isn't growing with me but instead we're growing apart.

–          Laura! - LaF threw both hands on the air – She is 18 years old. And she'll always be 18 years old. Yeah, sure, she knows stuff we don't and she's lived a lotand she's really mature and profound in a way none of us will ever be but still, she's just 18. Can you understand that? It must be so fucked up for her to see you grow up like that when she knows she never will.

Laura started crying very hard but said nothing as LaF sat on a chair by her side and talked about Chemistry reactions.

 

\--------------------------------------------------

 

–          You honestly don't see how bad she is? - LaF and Danny were getting lunch

–          She just broke up with a girl, of couse she's bad but there's no reason for us to treat her like an invalid

–          Oh, hell, no! Danny, don't go there. Don't even try to minimize Carmilla's importance. - they walked away

Danny knew how bad Laura was and she knew the reason and what could help but she decided to believe she could fix it, that she could be the one Laura needed however deep down she probably knew that to be a lie.

Why couldn't her love be enough? Why couldn't Laura understand it? Understand she would never leave, never hurt her, never deceive her and just accept she could be enough. Hell, there were girls asking her out all the time. Danny Lawrence was good enough and she would not let Laura get away without showing it to her.

–          How is she, troll?

She almost dropped her trail on a girl's head. The voice low and raspy was all too familiar.

–          What do you think, leech? Thought she'd be throwing parties all over campus after you left? - Danny refused to look at her

–          She told me to go. - Carmilla clenched her jaw

–          Yeah, well, and what are you doing here then?

–          I don't know. - Danny was able to hear the uncertainty and the fear on Carmilla's voice even though she was obviously trying to cover it – I had a bad feeling and some of my friends said trouble could be coming this way so I came to check if she's safe.

Danny took a deep breath and said – She is. And I intend to keep her that way.

–          Carmilla! - LaFontaine approached the pair in a fast pace – Back already?

–          No. - Carmilla turned around and walked away in her fastest human pace.

–          What did you say to her? - they asked and it was pretty clear their patience was running low

–          Nothing, okay? She's just being herself.

–          Holy contaminated samples! You are impossible!

 

**Hey, Carm. Where you at? - 14:07**

**Don't feel like talking? Okay, let me then. Last night I walked in on your room and she was hugging that red flannel you left behind. Today she's walking around with a Nieztsche book I'm damn sure she doesn't even know the title. - 15:00**

**No? Nothing? Right. Well, Danny can probably take care of her after all. - 17:27**

**Look, you can be mad and all but she needs you, okay? She's not fine and everyone is trying to pretend you didn't even exist but it's quite clear that she misses you like all hell and you gotta come back.  -  20:02**

**I am growing tired of these unwanted updates, LaFontaine. She will forget about me eventually, be sure of that. And maybe you're right, maybe Danny can take better care of her. I will most certainly not be around to see that.**

**She wanted me gone, she said so. If she wants me back, she'll say something. - 03:43**

\------------------------------------------------------

 

_\- I just think we should talk again, Carm. - I know I did and I know it hurt you but – No, it's not that. Can't you just come back? - Yes, I'm asking you to come back. - Okay, I'll see you there._

Laura close her flip phone and faced LaFontaine and Perry.

–          She said we should talk about some things first. I think she's far because we can only meet tomorrow night.

–          Are you sure this is what you want? LaFontaine hasn't been very subtle about all of this mess, dear and it's okay if you don't want this.

She stood up and hugged both her friends whispering 'thank you' on LaF's ear

 

 --------------------------------------------------------

 

–          I am also not very good at the apologising thing, Laura.

They were walking side by side, both trying hard not to give in and reach out. Two weeks had gone by and all Laura knew is that Carm had walked away, Carmilla, on the other hand, knew a lot of Laura's days – thanks to LaFontaine who never stopped texting her. She knew about the sleepless nights, the nightmares, about Danny sleeping over and getting her to eat vegetables.Carmilla knew all about the times Danny and Laura were late together or laughed together, she even knew Danny was not the one to deny the rumour of them.

–          I'm not asking for apologies. I'm not even asking where you've been.

–          What do you want then?

–          I was wrong, Carm. I was all wrong. - she started crying – I need you and it's okay if I have dreams you can't really have because we'll figure it out. Together. I want you to come back and help me figure this out because I can't be without you, these two weeks have been hell on earth and I don't want to live like this ever again. I want you to stop running every time we fight.

–          Cupcake, you told me to go, what was I to do?

–          You were to stay and fight me on it. Fight for me.

Carmilla opened her mouth, Laura knew she was going to get snapped on because that was a very wrong thing to say but she closed her mouth and put her hands on her back pockets staying silent for some seconds.

–          I'm going to need a tutorial or something.

Laura smiled lightly and brushed her shoulder against Carmilla's who let out a soft chuckle

–          Let's go get something to eat, cutie.

 

 --------------------------------------------------------

 

–          I can't believe we're going to live outside of campus!

Laura was trembling with excitement. She had been trying to convince Carm since they got back together but Carmilla didn't want to move too fast, it seemed as though she still felt the guilt of Danny's accident and of walking away so easily or maybe because she knew Laura broke up wih her for she wasn't good enough or human enough. Maybe she just felt too afraid.

–          Well, it's time we leave the ginger trio behind, isn't it? - Carmilla had her hand on the small of Laura's back

–          I'm gonna miss them so much! We've been through a lot together, Carm. You can't possibly tell me you won't miss them.

–          I will not miss the interruptions, that's for sure

They were fine, had been for some time, Carmilla was always there when Laura was free, her friends ended up understanding she had another kind of life going on and Laura inspite of having the busiest life ever, always made time for Carm too. And their life in the new apartment was pretty awesome. And it would probably have been just that if not for Laura bringing an old subject back, the future was even more unknown to them , they wanted to be together but what would be the cost? What would Laura have to pay? And how would Carmilla live with herself after doing such a thing? Was it worth it to pluck Laura from her perfect human life?

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

–          _I can't go, Laura! I met that woman fifity years ago how am I going to face her? How am I going to explain I'm still 18?_

–          _I'm just saying I don't wanna do it without you, is all._

–          _There's no real world where we can live, cupcake, you get to live your life and do amazing things and come back to me every night. That's what you get. It's all I can give you._

_Laura sat down in front of Carmilla and took her hands_

–          _You know I've been talking to LaF._

–          _I will not raise you. - Carmilla looked away – Tell the crazy scientist to find  a way to make me human again._

–          _Why can you become human and I can't become a vampire?_

–          _Because becoming human means I have to eat and die, there's no one else for me here but to raise you means make you lose everything you hold dear and I can never do that._

–          _So, you're just eventually gonna walk away for good?_

–          _What?_

–          _Yeah, we can't have a family because the kid would always ask and we can't be together forever – in the only way possible – because you can't afford to be the one who makes me lose my father._

–          _Yes. I can't. - she stood up – We've been running from this conversation long enough, Laura. What are we going to do? Who is going with you to all those fancy dinners? Who is going to grow with you?_

–          _You are! We- LaF-_

–          _They can't. Can't be done._

–          _Then why give me the idea? Why?_

–          _It wasn't an idea. It wasn't me giving you hope. I can't become human again. And I will not turn you into a monster. You have no idea what it is like to be like me._

–          _Why do you have to talk about yourself like this, Carm?_

–          _Guess years as a phylosophy major gave me a good idea of what the truth feels like and it's this. I am a monster. You fell in love with a monster and now none of us knows what to do._

–          _We'll find a way._

–          _Oh, Laura, that's what we keep saying to each other but there's no way._

–          _What are you saying now? You wanna go?_

–          _No, of course not  but - Laura went to the kitchen and saw bloody clothing on the floor – if we're going to do something about this, we have to do it soon. -  Laura turned around – What?_

_Carmilla followed her eyes and gasped._

–          _What have you done? Who is this?_

–          _My supply is over._

–          _And you brought it here!!? That's it, I can't! It's not the first time you do something like this but you actually brought a corpse here?_

_\-          Didn't you just say we'll work it out? I won't bring anything home anymore and that's it._

_\-          You seriously don't see how fucked - Carmilla opened her mouth at the word - this is. And yeah, I cursed, big deal. THERE IS A BODY IN MY KITCHEN._

–           _Why are you doing this, Laura? What has changed in the last minute? I'm not gonna do this again._

–          _I can't be with someone like-_

–                    _Me._

–                    _Carm, there are so many things I want to be and do and you've done them all. You've been telling me this yourself for two years. You're just going to watch me and that's not enough._

–                    _It is for me! I'll watch you and support you and be there for you. Isn't that eno- she didn't have to finish because Laura's head was already shaking – Oh. - her own eyes watered – I am not enough. Doesn't mattter what I do for you, I'll just never be anough, right?_

–                    _Carm, - she tried to get close but Carmilla gave a step back – this is not what I need right now. You're great. The most amazing person I've ever met but I can't live my life and deal with all of this at the same time._

–                    _Oh, so now I'm just too much?! I get it. Give me some minutes and I'll be out of your life. - she got her bag in a switf movement._

–                    _Stop. Just, please, stop. You're getting it wrong. There's nothing wrong with you, you've been perfect. You are perfect! But I – they were both crying – can't be with a – her hands were covering her mouth before the word could slip out but it was too late._

–                    _Monster. - Carmilla said and left without looking back._


	4. All too well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Cause there we are again and I loved you so  
> Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known  
> It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well"

There's a message on her machine, which is terribly odd because the group of people who actually have this number do not leave messages, better yet, they don't call unless she is in danger. That was the deal they shook on three years ago and after some months she finally realized there was no danger but her own presence in Laura's life. That's when she took off. But now there's a message there and she's growing curious.

 

“ _Hey.”_ \- Carmilla turns to stone where she stands _“I know it's been some years but Danny told me she ran into you and I can't help but wonder, you know. So give me a call whenever you can and we'll talk, maybe even meet? So, yeah, that's it. Hope you're okay, Carm.”_

 

Carmilla couldn't move, she was stuck in an airless bubble and her body was close to burst into flames at any second now. What kind of sick joke was that? Why was that girl calling? Was it “give the vampire a heart attack week” already? But then, maybe and just maybe she was being honest, perhaps Laura was missing her and that was the chance she had been so eagerly waiting for.

Perhaps Laura was back.

 

“- Hello?

\- Hi. - that was all she could force herself to say. Words got jumbled together and her head started spinning.

\- Carm? Is that you? Oh my god! I didn't think you'd actually call back! Shit, I'm a little busy right now, can you hang on a second? I have to turn off the oven and the cat is trying to eat my cookie.

Then the other side was mute and all she could her was ecstatic.

 **What the hell do you think you're doing?** \- That was all she could think, the sentence hitting her forehead over and over again.

\- Hey, I'm back. Hm, how are you? - Laura sounded totally uncomfortable

 **-** Fine.

\- Danny told me you got back.

\- Yeah. France got boring after three years.

\- What? How can you say that?

\- I've been there many times before.

\- Oh, I forget about that sometimes.

Something woke inside Carmilla.

\- Is that why you're calling? Because you forgot who-what I really am?

She could hear Laura taking a deep calming breath.

\- Oh, Carm, no. Of course not. I just- I was curious. It's been so long.

\- Look, Laura. What exactly do you want?

\- To talk, maybe?  I wanna know what you've been doing.

\- Drinking blood, killing people, sacrifing innocent virgins during satanic rituals, just the usual. Being a monster as you once said.

\- I never said that!

\- Did you really have to?

\- Just- Stop, please. This is not why I called. It's been too long. Can't we just meet? I have a free weekend and I'd love to see you.

\- Where?

**Why the hell am I saying yes to this?**

\- The park?

\- Yeah. What time?

**Why, Carmilla Karnstein. WHY?**

\- 6? You'll be up then, right?

\- See you by that tree.

 

She pressed the end button before Laura could answer. What was she doing? Taking Laura's invitation could only lead to bad things, she knew and still, she couldn't help herself. Flashes of that cursed night crushed her thoughts and suddenly her back was slamming against the wall, her body shaking with rage.

She couldn't, she wouldn't.

Not after everything Laura said to her. It would all be for nothing, they'd be dragged to that feeling and Laura would push her and send her away and yet, she couldn't bring herself to call and cancel. Maybe she should just not go and forget about it but then Laura would call again and she'd want to drop by.

Stupid Carmilla couldn't even call back.

– Fuck it.

 

 

\-----------------------------------------------------

 

Anxiety boiled through her veins.

Yes, she was nervous. Because of Laura.

She changed four times before getting angry and leaving.

Carmilla got there almost 30 minutes early.

 

\---------------------------------------------------- 

 

–  I swear! He told me to ask my genius roommate _for my work was nothing but poor_ – Laura mimicked the ex teacher's voice.

–  He wasn't all that bad and you know it.

–  The guy had a super crush on you. How could I like him?

–  He had a crush on my mind.

–  Same difference.

 

They were drinking juice and walking around talking about the past but very carefully, only neutral things, Laura was trying hard not to mention the past they had together too intensevely.

 

– So, what exactly have you been doing? I heard about France and some kind of photography project but then you just vanished, nobody knew anything else.

–  Yes, France and Italy. The project is actually the reason why I'm back.

– What do you mean?

– I did what I wanted. The project is done so I had nothing more to do. And Styria is like my Motherland.

–  You're living here then?

Carmilla looked at Laura searching for a bad reaction or negative feeling but found nothing other than curiosity.

– For now. Until I find some other project or reason to leave. - she started playing with a leaf that had gotten gaught up on Laura's hair – I just wish they lasted longer.

– Three years is a long time.

– Not for me, it isn't.

Laura found a bench near some tall trees and sat down relaxing

– Remember when you told me  about the pillow thing?

Carmilla held her breath. There it was. The past.

– It took me a long time to understand it completely. - her eyes were closed and a playful smile appeared when a breeze softly blew.

– I'm glad you did.

– I think it's time to go – she stood up slowly – but I would really like it if we could do this again. Your time to call.

 

 

 -----------------------------------------------

 

– God! I missed this place. - They were sitting on the old couch – I remember so many things!

–  As do I. - there was a sting to Carmilla's voice that Laura ignored.

–  We were happy here, weren't we?

–  For most of  the time, yes.

Laura seemed to talk past all of the suffering and the pain and the fights as if they never happened  or meant nothing.

– I just can't believe I'm here again! - she was walking around touching books that almost belonged to her – Do you ever think about us?

–  Not anymore. - that one was easy.

Laura stopped for a second.

–  But you did.

– Can't you just say whatever the hell it is that you want?

– I- I just missed you. - she walked back to the couch with her head down – I know it's been three years but I missed you so much, Carm.

Carmilla moved fast and pressed their lips together. It's right and it should never have stopped happening. It fits.

– And I know lots of things happened but you're finally back!

–  Does that mean you've been waiting for me?

Carmilla can't actually believe she just said those words, she can't believe she might be considering this.

–  Of course! I mean, no. I don't know. - Laura looked at her – I just wanted you to come back.

Carmilla decided to shut her thoughts by kissing Laura until their clothes are on the floor and Laura is panting by her side.

Hours later listening to her heart Carmilla felt that the whole situation might be a mistake.

– Shit! - Laura almost shoved her – I forgot about Danny, we were supposed to meet like one zillion hours ago.

– Call her.

– I really have to go.

– Laura. It's almost midnight. - her tone was full of concern.

– I'll find a cab or something. Don't worry. Call you tomorrow, okay?

And she left, Carmilla threw her pillow on the wall and got up hating herself fot letting Laura in again.

 

\-------------------------------------------

 

– Come on, Carm, just one more! I want memories and don't give me that crap about how posterity sucks.

– Okay, cupcake, but only because you look gorgeous on that dress.

Laura hugged her tight.

– I missed you so, so, so much! Stupid vampire had to leave her phone behind.

– That I did on purpose. - Laura looked at her evidently confused – LaFontaine has this habit of sending me texts ranting on and on about how miserable you are without me.

– Really?

– Yes. She did it both times we took a break.

– Why didn't you want her to do it this time? - Carmilla started kissing her neck, trying to ignore the conversation.

– It wasn't a break. It was a break up, a separation I had to leave you alove sweetheart.

She moved them to the bed and was more than happy when Laura forced her down onto the mattress and she could finally stop thinking.

 

\-----------------------------------------------

 

–  You know I love you, right? - Laura's voice was muffled by Carmilla's hair and strangled by a sob.

–  Yes.

– Do you love me?

Carmilla rose her head and found Laura's eyes in complete disbelief.

– Do you doubt that? I love you more than nyone could love anything.

– More than you love the stars? - she asked blushing.

– My love for them fails in comparison, is nothing. A candle lighting the way on the darkest night there ever was whilst for you, oh, for you is the moon shinning through the tall branches and making the path clear as if it was broad daylight.

– You really shouldn't say these things. - Laura whispered after several minutes.

Their legs were entagled and their hands resting carelessly on each other. It was warm and calm and made Carmilla so fucking happy she was afraid she might cry.

– Not even if they are true?

Laura took a deep breath and Carmilla knew, right there, lying naked on her own bed she simply knew but she made Laura shut up with a kiss and pushed it away. Pushed it for tomorrow.

 

\--------------------------------------------

 

– You still have this?! I knew you had taken it but I just thought you had burned it or something. You seriously held on to it. - Carmilla blushed lightly even thou her eyes were pit black.

– Yeah, it's been travelling with me.

– So – she looked playful – my pillow went on all my dream trips and I had to stay home, huh.

Carmilla chuckled.

– I can take you places, you know that.

– Really?

– Sure. Wherever you wish.

– I want to go everywhere, Carm. - her eyes shined with expectation.

– We can. - she gave a soft kiss on Laura's forehead – I have to eat something now but I'll be back in a couple hours. Will I find you here?

– If it's okay. - her voice was uncertain.

– Of course it is. Wait for me. You still have to tell me about Perry and LaFontaine moving in together. - she said with a smile.

When the apartment door was shut behind her back she sighed and brushed her forehead with her  palm trying to erase Laura's look when she mentioned she had to “eat something”. Nothing was different.

She couldn't shut that up with a kiss.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------

 

 

Tomorrow came about a week later.

– What the hell? You don't remember? You don't freaking remember what you said when you broke up with me? - Carmilla was pacing furiously.

– I remember my reasons and the gist of what I said.

– How stupid of me to think you could actually care for me, Laura. How stupid.

– What are you talking about?

Carmilla threw a glass on the door.

– You are giving me the same fucking speech, Laura!

Laura's head was shaking.

– No, I'm not breaking up with you. I got-

– The sex you wanted. Now you can go, Laura. You got everything you wanted, didn't you? You got me again, I mean, I was foolish enough to let you in but now it is getting serious again and you can't handle it. - her voice softened – It's okay. I will never be your future. We knew that three years ago and we know that now.

– But I want it. I want you – tears were running down her cheeks.

– You don't even remember the awful things you said to me.

– I-

– You what? Tunned it off so it wouldn't hurt? Guess what? I have to live with your voice repeating those words and I just – her voice failed – can't. If this will be the end once more. I can't.

– It doesn't have to be. We are fine! Why are you doing this?

 

 

**_“ - Why are you doing this, Laura? What has changed?_ **

–  ** _I can't be with someone like-_**

–  ** _Me._**

–  ** _Carm, there are so many things I want to be and do and you've done them all. You're just going to watch me and that's not enough._**

–   ** _It is for me! I'll watch you and support you and be there for you. Isn't that eno- she didn't have to finish because Laura's head was already shaking – Oh. - her own eyes watered – I am not enough. Doesn't mattter what I do for you, I'll just never be anough, right?_**

–   ** _Carm, - she tried to get close but Carmilla gave a step back – this is not what I need right now. You're great. The most amazing person I've ever met but I can't live my life and deal with all of this at the same time._**

–  ** _Oh, so now I'm just too much?! I get it. Give me some minutes and I'll be out of your life. - she got her bag in a switf movement._**

–  ** _Stop. Just, please, stop. You're getting it wrong. There's nothing wrong with you, you've been perfect. You are perfect! But I – they were both crying – can't be with a – her hands were covering her mouth before the word could slip out but it was too late._**

–  ** _Monster. - Carmilla said and left without looking back.”_**

****

– You can't be with me. I haven't changed and neither have you.

– But I -

– Laura. - Carmilla pushed her hair back and let out a breath – Can you please just go?

 

 ---------------------------------------------------- 

 

Hard didn't begin to cover but it was her own fault after all, she was the one who let Laura in knowing she would have to be let out as well. She had been stupid enough to think some part of Laura felt different towards what she was. There was love and longing but also fear and uncertainty,  the later being stronger.

She'd have to go away once more but for good this time.

Go and stay gone.

Receving a message on her cellphone from Danny by the end of the third day was a surprise, she didn't even know they still had that number or if that phone was working.

 

“I don't know what really happened because she won't talk about it but I sure as hell hope it's the last time, Karnstein. Not placing blame but I'm the one who has to put her back together when you vanish.

She does love you but maybe it is just not meant to be. Maybe it's just like that story you told me about how not all soulmates get to be together but that doesn't stop them from being soulmates. She's set to do great things and you're not the one who needs to be there, I will be by her side, growing old and grey. See what I mean? You're not what she needs in this life. I'm not either but I'm closer to that than you'll ever be.

Take care of yourself, Carmilla. She'll be okay.”

 

 

It gave her the feeling that her actions were right and with that I mind she packed all over again,  paid some friends to take care of her apartment and walked out into the night.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------

 

– Look, mom! That lady is going away again. - a little girl with hazel eyes pointed at Carmilla through the window.

– Yeah, baby. Leave her be.

– But mom, why is she taking it again? - the frown stayed with her for as long as she could see Carmilla walking down the street backpack on her shoulder and yellow pillow in hand.

 

Of one thing she was sure as she walked away from her love. That pillow would never be left behind.


End file.
